God give me strength...

This is probably the hardest thing I will ever write, so God,... please give me strength to get through this.


Yesterday was pretty much the worst Valentines day of my life. I went in for a routine OB appointment.  At my 10 week appointment it was too early to hear the heartbeat still, so I was excited I was finally going to get to hear it.  Not the case, the doctor couldn't find it so she got me in right away for an ultrasound.  We lost the baby... there was no heartbeat and he/she was not moving.

They assured me there was nothing I did or could have done and that sometimes, things like this happen, whether it's a gene that wasn't right or whatever. But it's hard not think that this was my fault, that there's something I did or didn't do to cause this to happen. I mean, I am the vessel that's suppose to take this child, keep it safe and help it grow into a beautiful little human. It's been a whirlwind of emotions since yesterday morning... anger, sadness, hurt.  I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but it will be awhile before I can handle this or even talk about it. The ONLY thing that is keeping me from diving into a deep dark depression right now is my beautiful, oblivious daughter.  I'm so thankful she has no clue as to what's going on, or even understands that mommy and daddy are so sad right now.  Her smile is what's going to get me through this. It's going to get even harder because whether I have to go through passing this fetus on my own or having a dnc done,... this is about to get way more traumatic for me.  This is not something anyone ever wants to go through, and no one should ever have to.  I don't know why God would give us such a blessing and then take it right back, but I'm trying to understand. Maybe I never will.

I'm going to ask that you please DO NOT leave any comments on the link for this on facebook or on our walls, they may be deleted.  Also, DO NOT call, we will not answer.  We don't want to talk about it. If you have something to say please send a text or a private message through facebook, but please do not take it personally if we don't respond.  This is not something we want to talk about at all, and it's hard enough as it is. Andrew and I are trying to get through this together, and we know all of you care, but honestly hearing 'I'm Sorry' over and over just makes it harder.  Nothing anyone says can make this easier to take.

I do have an ultrasound picture, but I'm not going to post it.  I feel like that's something just for us. They did not offer up the gender, and even if they had I don't want to know.Thank you in advance for any silent prayers you send our way.

“Each new life,no matter how brief, forever changes the world.”

Love,

The Boslers